Ralph’s Beach

Posted on March 15, 2012 by

Yesterday I awoke to the sound of wild roosters crowing. This morning it was back to fire engines, garbage trucks and angry car horns honking. Why do I still live in NYC? I just returned from a trip to St. Thomas in the US Virgin Islands where I finally traveled to scatter my partner, Ralph’s ashes, 10 months after his passing. I wrote about the journey of grief I have been on in my last post and how it has changed me in unexpected ways. I have learned to trust life more since Ralph’s death (strange, but true) and so I went down to St. Thomas without a plan, knowing that it would happen exactly as it was meant to. And indeed, it did just that.

Ralph was the kind of guy who made friends wherever he went. When we went on vacation, we always left there feeling like we had new friends for life. Lucky for me, St. Thomas was such a place. So there was a birthday party to attend for Teddi, the first person we ever met there (turned out Ralph had known her daughter, Rachel in New York for years-talk about a small world!), and Dorene, who welcomed me into her home and nurtured me all week long. I turned off my cell phone, didn’t check email, and quickly eased into island life. I haven’t slept so well in ages, in spite of the roosters!

Ralph’s ashes sat in a beautiful carved wooden box on Dorene’s kitchen table and the two of us would lovingly pat it when we passed by. We bounced around ideas about what we should do. The days passed quickly and soon it was time. Dorene’s house sits perched on a hill overlooking Magens Bay in the Caribbean. This is the beach that Ralph loved so much and we would always visit when we were in St. Thomas. But it is also a destination for the hundreds of people getting off the cruise ships that dock in the harbor (there were five that day!) Never mind, Dorene had a plan. She picked two huge leaves from her garden and told me to fill them with flowers. I found red Hibiscus, orange Radican orchids and deep pink Desert Rose flowers.

We headed down to Magens with wooden box and flowers in tow. Leave it to the local, Dorene, to know where to go. We followed the shoreline, walking waste-high in the water until we came upon a deserted little beach far from the crowd of tourists. The sunbathers were merely specks in the distance. We were alone but for a couple of boats moored nearby. Dorene said to me “Look at the name of that boat.” It was Amazing Love. I kid you not. And the boat next to it was called Hope. It was there that I released Ralph’s ashes, with a prayer, some tears and so much gratitude for the love he gave me for eight short years. We aptly christened the little beach Ralph’s Beach and I can see it from Dorene’s porch or swim there whenever I visit.

As we floated in the pristine turquoise water, Pelicans and Booby birds were dive bombing for fish all around us. It was wild! I have started paying attention to animals that show up around me and so when I returned home I looked up these two birds to find out their symbolism. Lo and behold, Pelican’s wisdom includes recovery from loss, and ability to float through emotions. In the book Animal Speak, Ted Andrews says that the Pelican represents renewed buoyancy. The Pelican teaches that no matter how difficult life becomes, no matter how much you plunge-you can pop to the surface. And the unfairly named Booby bird’s wisdom includes fearlessness and trust. Again, I kid you not. The birds, the boats, the beach, Dorene and me–we were all meant to be there to honor Ralph that day. Trust life and it will amaze you. I promise.

P.S. I forgot to mention that the day I arrived at Dorene’s house there was an enormous rainbow reaching across the sky, and the day we scattered Ralph’s ashes there were dolphins spotted in the harbor–a rare occurrence.

Posted in General Wellness, Grief | 12 Comments

Riding the Waves of Grief

Posted on March 5, 2012 by

At a recent energy medicine workshop with my teacher, Deborah King, something she said to a fellow student caught my attention. “Grief has its own schedule. We can’t fit it into a weekend.” Boy, can I relate to that. It has been 10 months today since my partner, Ralph, passed away, and I feel as though I have been riding the waves of grief. As the months slip away, I notice more and more that I am careful not to talk too much about him to certain people, lest I become labeled as someone who can’t “get on with her life.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

I’ve written a lot about my experience with grief during these past 10 months. I’ve thought about grief more than I have my entire life. And like most of us, I have had my share of loss. The death of two loving parents, the end to a 30-year marriage, uprooting myself and leaving my home in Michigan for NYC, just to name a few. Even the two family dogs died not long after I moved. But what was different about the grief I suffered from Ralph’s death was that I didn’t bury it this time, like I always did in the past. Buried emotion never turns out in a positive way–it often leads to illness, as it certainly did with me. You can’t disconnect the mind, body and soul. This has become my mantra.

What triggered me to write this post was an experience I had yesterday riding the subway. A man got on the train with a baby in a stroller and when I looked up at him, I almost gasped. He looked like Ralph, but more importantly, he acted like Ralph. He had that Kapha look about him, compassionate and tender. His hand was on his baby’s foot the entire time, stroking it in a comforting way as he kept leaning over to look at her, checking to make sure she was okay. By the time I met Ralph years ago, his daughter was already grown, but he would tell me stories about when she was a baby and he would take her all over the city. His face lit up with joy and pride every time he talked about Tonya. There was nothing more precious to him than his daughter and it was one of the things I loved the most about him. So as I watched this stranger on the train, my eyes started to fill with tears and I was thankful that I was getting off at the next stop. As I got up to leave, his eyes met my teary ones and I saw a look of compassion cross his face. It was so Ralph-like.

Here’s the interesting thing, and why it’s so important. This episode on the train didn’t leave me feeling sad or crippled with grief. Yes, I was crying, but it was equal parts joy and sadness. It brought to mind loving memories about Ralph that opened my heart, and the tears were cleansing. This is what healthy grief feels like (in my opinion). I am able to move forward, living my life, but not denying my loss or the impact it had on me. It has also led me to process old grief that was no longer serving me.

I am grateful to my children, Brian and Amy, who, quickly learned what a kind and special man Ralph was. They have been a constant source of comfort to me, along with a handful of dear friends. I learned that receiving is just as important and necessary as giving. I owe a debt of gratitude to my teacher, Deborah, and to all of my fellow students in her 21st Century Energy Medicine Program, who never make me feel like I need to “get on with my life” when I tell “Ralph stories.” At our last workshop, I commented to Deborah’s husband, Eric, that I felt like the poster child for grief in the group. His response to me was that, by talking about it, I was helping so many others deal with their own grief. I hope that is true and that writing about it will touch some of you and help ease your own pain.

This week I will be taking Ralph’s ashes down to St. Thomas. He loved it there so much, we almost moved there. But Ralph lived in Manhattan his entire life and my Kapha who didn’t like change just couldn’t leave. When we first met and I was telling him that I had never been south of Florida, he would talk about taking me to St. Thomas where, “when you fly over it you will see water so blue it will take your breath away.” He was right, and so we used to vacation there. The picture above was taken on our last trip to what he thought was Paradise. Now he’s really there.

Posted in General Wellness | Tagged , | 18 Comments

Kapha Season

Posted on March 2, 2012 by

KAPHA is the biological water humor, also translated as phlegm. It means ‘that which holds things together.’ Kapha dosha provides substance and gives support, and makes up the bulk of our bodily tissues. It also provides our emotional support in life, and relates to postive emotional traits like love, compassion, modesty, patience and forgiveness. Dr. David Frawley

I recently discovered that there is a meterological date for the first day of spring (March 1st) and an astronomical date as well (March 20th). Whichever date we choose, it’s time to follow along with nature and begin waking from our winter slumber. I wrote about this in an article titled Listening to Our Bodies–The Ayurvedic Way when I realized that I had been sleeping this winter like never before!

Ayurveda divides the year into three, not four seasons. Vata season is fall and early winter, Kapha season is late winter and spring, and Pitta season is late spring and summer. So we are now officially in Kapha season and beginning our winter thaw. The earth is wet (Kapha’s main element is water and is contained in the element of earth) and Mother Nature is beginning to awaken everything that lies dormant. I’ve already seen crocuses peeking out from the ground and it reminds me that I need to do the same. I need to shake off my sleepy winter habits and rejoin civilization. It has been lovely hibernating all winter, but now it’s time to cleanse my body, mind and soul and begin to think about rebirth and transformation, like the plants and animals instinctively do every year. It’s no coincidence that spring is the time of year when we traditionally clean house.

Ayurveda can seem complex, but if you take your clues from nature, the simplicity behind its principles becomes evident. For thousands of years, people living an Ayurvedic lifestyle ate local and seasonal food because that was all that was available. As man became more advanced, food began traveling thousands of miles and we became used to eating every kind of food all year long. Unfortunately, food that travels these distances lose nutrients quickly and our bodies are taking in foods that are contrary to what nature intended for us. For example, watermelon is a cooling food, meant to help cool down our internal temperature in a hot climate. It is not meant to be eaten during the winter months when we need to keep warm, inside and out.

A common complaint we all have is the extra pounds we seem to put on over the winter. I always need to remind myself that it’s normal (and necessary) to store fat in our bodies during the cold season to keep us warm. We also need it to counteract the dryness that comes with winter. But when Kapha season begins and moisture abounds, we need less fat. Nature recognizes this and supplies us with an abundance of bitter and astringent herbs, fruits and vegetables to counteract the excess moisture and help cleanse and detoxify the body. Sprouts, bitter greens and asparagus are just a few examples of nature’s own detoxifiers.

Kapha constitutions generally suffer from congestion-type ailments because of an excess of phlegm. Because like increases like in Ayurveda, they often come down with colds, lung ailments or sinus infections in the spring. It’s a good idea for all of us to reduce any mucus-producing foods like dairy during this season. Sugar is also a particularly troublesome food for Kaphas and should be avoided. Local, raw honey is a good substitute. It is believed that eating local raw honey before allergy season begins may lessen the severity of symptoms. Click here for some more holistic approaches to allergy relief.

Spring is the time for all of us to get up and get moving, but especially Kapha types. Left to their own devices they can become lethargic, depressed and withdrawn. Of the three doshas, Kapha needs the most exercise on a daily basis. Remember, Kapha is water and earth. Too much of a sedentary lifestyle can leave Kaphas feeling “stuck in the mud.”

Although we all have Kapha in us (bones, bodily tissues, loving emotions, etc.), if our predominant dosha is Vata or Pitta, we need to follow a diet and lifestyle that is geared more to that dosha. For example, someone who is Vata does not do well eating a lot of raw vegetables, no matter the season, and they will still need more fat in their diet year-round than the other doshas. And someone who is very Pitta will generally need foods to cool them down all year round. If you are unsure of your dosha, take this simple quiz.

It’s all about balance and the more you learn about Ayurveda, the easier it will become to ascertain what will best help you achieve optimal health and happiness. I have listed some references below to help guide you.

Having a Kapha in your life is something to treasure. They are loyal, steadfast, loving and kind. I should know – my partner, Ralph, was a Kapha. The perfect companion for a Vata, and vice-versa. He grounded me, I kept him moving. All winter long I’ve been thanking him for leaving behind some of his Kapha energy, which I attribute to my newfound love of sleep.

Kapha’s should incorporate lots of spices into their food, especially during Kapha season.

This recipe is tridoshic but especially good for Kapha because of the warming and pungent qualities of the spices. Vasant Lad

Mung Dal Kitchari (Kapha)

1 cup yellow split mung dal
1 cup basmati rice
3 tablespoons ghee (Ghee is clarified butter and can be found in the grocery store on the shelf. It needs no refrigeration and is very good for you!)
4 bay leaves
4 small pieces cinnamon bark
4 whole cloves
4 whole cardamom pods
6 cups water
1/4 teaspoon salt

Wash the mung dal and rice twice. Soak the dal for a few hours, if you have time.
Heat a saucepan on medium and add the ghee. When it is hot, put in the bay leaves, cinnamon, cloves and cardamom and stir until the spices are mixed and fragrant.
Mix in the rice, dal, salt and water. Cook at a low boil, uncovered, for 5 minutes. Cover and cook on low heat until the dal and rice are soft, about 25-30 minutes.

Serves 4-6

Within all of us is the archetype of the Divine healer. This Divine healer is the true healer in all beings, not any particular individual or special personality. To heal ourselves we must set this Divine healer in motion within ourselves. Dr. David Frawley

Here are some excellent resources to help you find the Divine healer in yourself!

Perfect Health: The Complete Mind Body Guide by Deepak Chopra (a good choice for beginners!)
Ayurvedic Healing by Dr. David Frawley
The 3–Season Diet–Eat the Way Nature Intended by John Douillard
Absolute Beauty: Radiant Skin and Inner Harmony Through the Ancient Secrets of Ayurveda by Pratima Raichur

Posted in Allergies, Ayurveda, Change of Seasons, Depression, General Wellness, Kapha, Recommended Reading, Self-Care, Spring Cleaning | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Heart Chakra

Posted on February 14, 2012 by

This is a re-post of an article I wrote last year, but the message is still the same: nurturing and loving ourselves will keep our heart open, the energy flowing, and  enable us to share that love with others.

The first time I started paying attention to my heart chakra was about a year ago when an energy healer told me that I had a hole in mine. Huh??? A hole in my heart chakra? What does that even mean? My response was to dive headlong into a year of studying energy medicine and the chakras.

For thousands of years ancient healing modalities like Ayurveda and Traditional Chinese Medicine have known about chakras and the role they play in our physical health. Chakra is a Sanskrit term for a spinning vortex that brings energy into our bodies and sends energy back out into the world. Because they are invisible to most people, it is a difficult concept to comprehend. But even Western medicine is slowly beginning to acknowlege the existence of chakras and how they impact our health. It is energy that is the driving force in our physical body and when that energy is depleted, blocked or closed off altogether, disease can set in.

The Heart Chakra, or Anahata, is the 4th of seven major chakras and it not only rules the heart but also the lungs, breasts, pericardium, thymus, upper back and ribs, arms and hands. This chakra, not surprisingly, is all about love and compassion. When we are able to openly give and receive love and show compassion for others (as well as ourselves) the energy flowing in and out of this area will help keep it healthy. But life throws a lot at us and often when it becomes too much for us to handle, we close down to protect ourselves (literally, that’s what happens to the chakra) and we learn to bury our emotions in order to survive the pain. In the beginning, this is the body’s defense mechanism, working to protect us when the pain is too much to bear. But if we don’t, in time, learn how to process out these emotions which actually exist at a cellular level, our bodies will suffer. Hence, the person who exercises, eats all the right foods and never smoked, yet has a heart attack, develops lung or breast cancer, or ends up with a compromised immune system. It is the stress, fear, anger or anxiety which has not been processed out of the body that is so harmful.

In my own case, right before I was told about the hole in my heart chakra (which she helped fill, by the way), I had just recovered from a 3 month bout of whooping cough. I learned during that illness that the lungs are the holding space in the body for grief, and that unprocessed grief can lead to illness or disease. Interestingly enough, I didn’t feel sad or grief-stricken on the outside – it was what was trapped inside that was harming me. I was a shy, anxious, very emotional child and I learned early on in my life how to block emotions that I couldn’t handle. I realize now how much I relied on this “skill” throughout my life to help me cope with some pretty major life challenges.

The good news is that there is a lot we can do to keep our heart chakra open, balanced and flowing with positive energy. Here are a few:

  • Getting a pet, believe it or not, tops the list. Animals give us unconditional love and are the quickest way to help heal a broken heart. Many hospitals and nursing homes realize this and often bring in dogs to be with the patients. If you can’t get one of your own, spend time with a friend’s dog or cat.
  • Journaling. Writing down your uncensored thoughts and feelings will help you process them out of your body and onto the paper.
  • Write a valentine to yourself–list all the things you love about you and the things you love to do.
  • Yoga, qigong, t’ai chi, massage and energy healing are all ways to help the healing process.
  • Meditation – hands down, is one of the best ways to heal our body, mind and spirit. Find a good teacher, learn how to meditate and your life will never be the same.
  • Talking – either with a therapist or a trusted friend or family member. We all know how much better we feel after a good chat, cry, or laugh. On that same note…
  • Engage in activities that give you joy, make you laugh, or even cry. All of these things will help to release pent-up emotions and start the flow of positive energy back into your heart chakra. For me, there’s nothing quite like a Modern Family or a Seinfeld episode to chase the blues away.

So today on this day usually focused on lovers, remember to nurture your own heart and always be kind to yourself. The more you love yourself the easier it will be for you to open your heart to give and receive love with others.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

With love,
Barbara


Posted in Ayurveda, Chakras, Depression, Energy, Energy Medicine, General Wellness, Immune System, Journaling, Lungs, Meditation, Self-Care, Stress, Traditional Chinese Medicine | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Healing Trauma

Posted on February 8, 2012 by

I’ve been listening to Dr. Peter Levine‘s audio recording Healing Trauma–Restoring the Wisdom of the Body. In it he talks about the long term effects of trauma, and how we can learn to move through it effectively, so as not to become damaged by it. Trauma, he says, “is shock to the psyche, body, nervous system, the spirit and to the soul”. Dr. Levine believes that trauma is biological, not psychological, and that this knowledge can help us heal. He points to animals in the wild and explains why they rarely suffer the effects of trauma even though their lives are routinely threatened.

Somatic Experiencing (SE) is a body awareness approach to healing trauma developed by Dr. Levine. He believes that humans have an innate ability to overcome the effects of trauma so that it does not become a life sentence. Just like the animals in the wild, we have mechanisms in place to fully recover, but most of us are unaware of what they are and how to implement them.

Often we’re not even aware of trauma that may have occurred, especially if it happened in our childhood. Our coping mechanism may have closed off our memory of an event to protect us, but later in life the after effects of the trauma might surface as illness in the physical body or emotional upheaval. We cannot separate the mind and the body. They are undeniably connected, and in fact, it is often the body that suffers when we don’t pay attention to our emotions, properly processing them and clearing out what no longer serves us. Unresolved trauma makes an imprint at the cellular level, and left untreated might surface years later in the form of a chronic illness or even cancer.

We all recognize and give support to the serious traumas like child abuse, sexual abuse, the death of a loved one and those suffered by combat veterans. But as Dr. Levine points out, any trauma can have serious implications on our health. A car accident (even just a fender bender), a bike accident, verbal abuse, etc. can leave its mark in the body. Even daily occurrences like a toxic work or school environment can be viewed as a form of human trauma. Dr. Levine gives concrete steps to show us ways to recognize the signs, and through body awareness he teaches us how to heal our own trauma. In many cases, however, and especially when the trauma is severe, the help of a good therapist can be a crucial part of our recovery.

Let me give you an example of using body awareness to recognize where emotions are initially felt in the body. I recently wrote an article about February being the month of love and how important self-love is to our well-being. I received many lovely comments from people and because I had been doing Dr. Levine’s exercises, it didn’t surprise me that I consciously felt the emotion in my heart center. I could feel my heart opening when I read the kind comments. It was a positive, healthy experience of emotion. The next evening, however, I noticed an email in my inbox from someone that I know. This person was on my newsletter list and so she had received the article on self-love. Well, I was anticipating another nice comment but instead, when I clicked open the e-mail, I saw seven words, too vile to share here. I immediately felt like I had been punched in the solar plexus, the area of the 3rd chakra, which is our seat of self-worth and self-esteem–our power center. I was shocked, but when I recovered, I recognized the synchronicity of it happening while I was exploring the subject of trauma. I was able to immediately go through the exercises I had just learned and clear out the trauma rather than let it eat away at me. It turned out to be a great teaching moment.

Interestingly, a trusted friend with whom I had shared the e-mail, said she had the same reaction in the same area of her body – her solar plexus, when she read the words in my email.

Just imagine how this knowledge could help not only ourselves, but our children, to move through life without storing all of the negative emotions and trauma that will inevitably come our way. If you are interested in exploring the teachings of Dr. Peter Levine, you can purchase books or audios on his website or at sounds true where you can find the audio Healing Trauma at a discounted rate. I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject!

Love,
Barbara

P.S. Thanks to Dr. Delphyne J.Platner for introducing me to the teachings of Dr. Peter Levine

And if you would like to learn more about the chakras, check out the book, Truth Heals, by Deborah King.

Posted in General Wellness, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , | 9 Comments